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Famous Quotes...
When one door of happiness closes,
another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." -- Helen
Keller
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up." -- Mark
Twain
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." -- Abraham Lincoln
"Youth is wasted on the young." --
George
Bernard Shaw
"Weakness
of attitude becomes weakness of character." -- Albert Einstein
"Be kind, for everyone
you meet is fighting a hard battle." -- Plato
"I am
at two with nature." -- Woody Allen
"I'm
astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." -- Woody Allen
"It
is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." -- Woody
Allen
"You
can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." --
Woody
Allen
"The
lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep." -- Woody Allen
"We
didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." --Vince Lombardi
"One
death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic."
-- Josef Stalin
"In
this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes."
-- Benjamin Franklin
"It is better to die on your feet than
live on your knees."
-- Emiliano Zapat
"Nothing
is to be feared but fear." -- Sir Francis Bacon
"The
only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Genius without
education is like silver in the mine."
-- Benjamin Franklin
"Three
may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."
-- Benjamin Franklin
"Science without religion is lame,
religion without science is blind." -- Albert Einstein
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income
tax." -- Albert Einstein
"You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you
cannot fool all the people all the time." -- Abraham Lincoln
Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." -- Saint Augustine
"Nothing
succeeds like success." -- Alexandre Dumas
"Remember
that time is money." -- Benjamin Franklin
"Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go
far."
-- Theodore Roosevelt
"While there's life, there's hope." -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
"A lie gets halfway
around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." -- Winston Churchill
"Oh, what a tangled
web we weave, When first we practice to deceive!" -- Sir Walter Scott
"Slumps are like a soft bed. They're easy to
get into and hard to get out of." -- Johnny Bench
"I may be dumb, but
I'm not stupid." -- Terry Bradshaw
"Winners never quit and quitters never win."
-- Anonymous
"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."
-- Chinese Proverb
"He laughs best who laughs last." -- English Proverb
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." -- Phyllis Diller
"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D.
Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B." -- Fats Domino
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't
change the subject." -- Winston Churchill
"The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!" -- Jack Handey
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" -- Edgar Bergen
"Giving birth is
like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head." -- Carol Burnett
"I love children, especially when
they cry, for then someone takes them away." -- Nancy Mitford
"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's
buying." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Never
have children, only grandchildren." -- Gore Vidal
"Always
be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." -- Phyllis Diller
"I take
my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." -- Robert Orben
"Happiness is having a large, loving,
caring, close-knit family in another city." -- George Burns
"He who laughs last didn't get it." -- Helen
Giangregorio
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." -- Red Buttons
"It's not that
I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." -- Woody Allen
"The leading cause of death among
fashion models is falling through street grates." -- Dave Barry
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
-- Erma Louise Bombeck
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
-- Jack Handey
"Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down
the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?" -- Jack Handey
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." -- Jack Handey
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but
that's another weakness." --
Jack Handey
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all
my money back."
-- Jack Handey
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the
dancers hit each other."
-- Jack Handey
"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books." -- Jack Handey
"One day one of my little
nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I
had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me."
-- Jack Handey
"Somewhere on this
globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." -- Sam Levenson
"Insanity is hereditary
- you get it from your children."
-- Sam Levenson
"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."
-- Sam Levenson
"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her
way." -- Sam Levenson
"Lead us not into temptation.
Just tell us where it is; we'll find it." -- Sam Levenson
Santa
Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year." -- Victor Borge
"By all means marry. If you get a good
wife, you'll become happy; If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." -- Socrates
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." -- Groucho Marx
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." -- Jimmy
Durante
"Money can't buy
you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." -- Spike Milligan
"What's
the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
-- Henny Youngman
"I
don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." -- Bob Hope
"A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her." -- W C Fields
"I
never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." -- W C Fields
"Maybe it's
true that life begins at fifty. But ... everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." -- Unknown
"Doctor
to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac."
-- Unknown
"The
only real diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out."
-- Unknown
"By
the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." -- Unknown
"It's
hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything." -- Unknown
"I've learned ...
that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes." --
Andy
Rooney
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." -- Winston Churchill
"One
of the best things people can have up their sleeve is a funny bone" -- Unknown
"At my age, every doctor says the same thing; It's either something I have to live with -
or something I have to live without." -- Unknown
"The
secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age." -- Lucile Ball
"Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that the people who have the most live the longest." --
Unknown
"Smartness
runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years." -- George Burns
"I'm
at an age when my back goes out more than I do."
-- Phyllis Diller
"My
mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend." -- Rodney Dangerfield
"I am thankful for laughter, except
when milk comes out of my nose." -- Woody Allen
"When we played softball,
I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back." -- Woody Allen
"The
wisest mind has something yet to learn." --
George Santayana
The
only way to have a friend is to be one." --
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"If
the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts."
-- Albert Einstein
"Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine
per cent perspiration." -- Thomas A Edison
"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing."
--
Socrates
"Wisdom begins in wonder." -- Socrates
"Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young
men are fools." -- Truman Capote
"A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
-- Bill Cosby
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